QUOTES OF THE DAY:

Me: “…go make me some pie.”

Mom: “HEH! That’ll be a COLD DAY in HELL! Gotta be in a REAL GOOD MOOD to make a n*gger some pie. Or do I?”

Me: “…”

“Never found that black-ass n*gger.”-Mom, about our missing USB cable…

“ALL UP IN MY MUTHAFUCKIN’ GAWD MESS!!”-Mom, to the cat, after he made himself comfortable on her stuff.

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Mom: “Kim Kardashian’s not married…to Kanye. Now they have a bastard kid.”

Me: “Naw, man! It doesn’t matter. Marriage is for the poor! Marriage is a survival tactic for poor folks to pool their dismal resources together. So only poor people can have bastard kids. ‘West Kardashian’ is gonna be ALRIGHT!”

Mom: “…”

Me: “…that shit kinda sounded like a city, or something.”

Mom: “Yeah! That fucker sounds like a town!”

“…every time I open the fridge, an angel loses its wings.”-Me

Me: “Some ‘long food’, huh?”

Mom: “Yeah. That food didn’t last us long for SHIT!”

Me: “And NOW we’re OUT!”

Mom: “…it was good, though!”

Me: “YEAH! It was a little TOO good! NOW WE’RE FUCKED!!”

“We’re so fucked up, any actors who try to play us in our movie’s gonna ruin their careers.”-Me

“I gotta n*gger sweep it! NO! I’M NOT GONNA DO THAT!!”-Mom, about the cat’s litter all over her bedroom floor.

“I don’t give a cunt about my loser family! My own cunts didn’t even help me!!”-Mom

“Pig feet… PIG FEET?! OH, so you’re off for one day, and out of all the great things you could choose to celebrate it, YOU CHOOSE MUTHAFUCKIN’ PIG FEET? PIG FEET IS NOT DINNER, IT’S SLAVE FOOD! THEY USED TO FEED THAT SHIT TO BLACK PEOPLE, LIKE WE FEED STEAK FAT TO THE CAT, AND EVEN HE DOESN’T EAT IT! MORONS! So, what? ARE YOU GONNA EAT THE PIG’S EARS AND INTESTINES ALONG WITH IT? Y’know, GO FOR THE GOLD? FUCK! I mean, when you want to eat people, is FEET the most worthwhile parts YOU go for? NO! I mean DAMN, even in that movie Alive, they went for where? THE ASS MEAT! YOU’RE DAMN FUCKIN’ RIGHT! Pig feet…”-Me, ranting about my dad and sister’s celebratory pig feet extravaganza .

“God damn, girl! I’m starting to ASS!”-Mom, about getting hungry.

“I’m a pathetic bitch. Shit, I put MYSELF down. I’m an old pathetic bitch n*gger.”-Mom

“We’ve seen better days…16 years ago.”-Me, to my mom.

“Oh, JESUS! *pant-pant-cough* It started to get outta HAND! I HAD TO LEAVE!!”-Mom, after losing to a pack of roaches.

“Are…ARE YOU EATING THOSE M&M’S ON YOUR MAGNIFYING GLASS?”-Me

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Quotes of the Day:

“Always with the ‘get a job’ nonsense. That doesn’t even work for THEM, let alone US! LOOK: we can either be broke-ass losers WITH A JOB, or we can just be broke-ass losers.”-Me, to my mom.

“Mom eats dinner as snack; I eat candy for breakfast. We both eat lunch for dinner.”-Me

“I keep finding roach guts under my fuckin’ carpet! I think the cat puts roaches under my carpet and kills them with his fat!”-Mom

“So, your followers came over to the Americas to tell the natives that they were hellbound heathens because they were eating each other every day, instead of just eating you on Sundays? …how did this become a religion? Now I know why you didn’t come back like you were supposed to, last year. You done left a damn mess! I wouldn’t come back, either!!”-Me, to my picture of Jesus.

“Y’know how you’re sitting down and typing for a while, and your leg starts getting all tingly, like little ants are walking on you? …that’s because we have ants in our house, and they really ARE walking on you!!”-Me

“We don’t even have anywhere to go! The guy wants us out of our house during the day, so that these simple-ass vultures can pick our house clean, and we can’t even go hang out anywhere for a few hours like normal people can. In Vermont, we could go to that ‘lake’ thing for a while, or to that ‘square’ whatever, or take a bus to New York and so forth. Here in Anniston, it’s just the mall or Walmart, over and over and over and shoot me now. Or sleep in our hot-ass 100-degree car for ten hours… Y’see, THAT’S why we gotta get the fuck OUTTA here!!”-Me, to my mom.

“Let’s see, here. ‘Name’? …okay. ‘Anthony Thompson’. Uh, ‘workplace’? …hmmmm. Shit, I’ll just put ‘My Toilet’. Alrighty, ‘position’? …heh, ‘Shitter’. Done, and done!”-Me, on my facebook profile… You don’t know how many people that pissed off for some odd reason.

“I don’t think we’re gonna be able to do that, much as I’d like to.”-Mom, about starving.

“Did I not wipe my ass all the way? N*GGER CAN’T WIPE HER OWN ASS ALL THE WAY!”-Mom, about herself.

Beyonce: “Say my name, say my name!”

Mom: “JESUS, SAY HER FUCKIN’ NAME, ALREADY!!”

“Man, we are some HATEABLE-ass n*ggaz. I don’t even like us!”-Me, to my mom.

“I gotta take a HORRENDOUS shit, but I’m afraid!”-Mom

Mom: “That’s just not our way.”

Me: “What, winning?”

Mom: “…yeah.”

“Beat a n*gga with skittles, and drown him with tea. That’s what hoodies are made for.”-Me

Mom: “Who the fuck is Ryan Gosling?”

Me: “…fuck if I know.”

Mom: “He’s got a name like a damn BIRD!”

“We’re like toilet paper. They use us to clean up their mess, and then they flush us down the crapper on their way out.”-Me

“STOP IT! I HAVE TO SELL THIS SHIT!!”-Mom, to the cat.

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30 Questionable Things We Do…

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Some of the weird shit that we do in our house that you’d just have to accept if you ever visited:

1. My mom puts the coaster ON her drink, instead of UNDER it like normal people.

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2. It takes TWO people to check the mail. We don’t like going outside around here in the first place, and if somebody else is outside, well…we just don’t go out at all.

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3. We lock the door for the night at 3:00 in the afternoon… Usually, anything worth doing in life would already have been done by 11am, and anything after that can go fuck itself until tomorrow.

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4. We dress appropriately…for Anniston. Listen, we dress like hobos. I wear a housecoat, jeans with holes, slippers that I use to dust my house with, and I never comb my hair (or wear socks or underwear, for that matter). My mom dresses like a P.O.W. “Y’see, that’s why you guys don’t get jobs!” No. It isn’t that we were too eccentric for Alabama, and so that’s why they don’t respect us. It’s the other way around: Alabama NEVER gives a fuck about how nice we are to them, and so NOW we just don’t give a fuck about being respectable. That’s why we don’t need to dress to impress, and why there’s no such thing as dressing for success, when everyone here thinks we’re just a bunch of “half-breed German illegals tryin’ to take all our good jobs.”

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5. Fitting in doesn’t work, so we don’t try to. EVER! My sister really, REALLY tried to be as country as she could, just so they’d just leave her alone long enough to feel American (by Anniston’s standards…if you’re confused, we ARE Americans, just not to most people here in Alabama, being “liberal, heathen, yankee brown people”). It didn’t work. You see, we each had two working philosophies; the “positive” kind, and the “negative”. My sister believed that if you just work hard and try to fit in, it’ll all work out, eventually… My mom and I had a different take: they’ll never let us work hard OR fit in, and it’ll NEVER work out, EVER (so stop trying). Not only did all of us end up losing big time, but my sister actually got fucked with WORSE! She’s in Michigan, now. And Natural Ice tastes like pee. AND I WOULD KNOW, trust me!

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6. We make deposits, and not withdrawals. By this, we mean, we take our garbage to the bank’s dumpster. We don’t have a garbage service.

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7. We make a difference in our community. My mom put too many broken TV’s, burned-out computers, and stolen wheelchairs from Walmart across our street. Now, ours is the only neighborhood around here that has a threatening sign in it. We still litter, anyway. Nobody around here has $500! …stupid-ass government.

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8. We avoid the hospital. Around here, the hospitals are what make you sicker than the illness you went there to cure. My sister found this out the hard way. In this pic, brown recluse spiders had their way with her, but it was Anniston’s stupid doctors that made the lasting impression on her that probably would’ve been “sue-able” anywhere else but here in Anniston, where rights only belong to people who can afford them, which is damn near nobody. My sister was only happy in this picture because the drugs hadn’t worn off yet.

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9. We never use our right front burner. It does whatever it wants… We have it on medium low, right now… That’s why we call it “rogue burner”.

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10. We try not to shop. Can’t afford to, anyway, but even still… My mom walked into this store, and walked RIGHT BACK OUT, and SHE’S A CATHOLIC! “I couldn’t take that fuckin’ MUSIC! …OR the SMELL!” Yeah… They’re like “We answer to a HIGHER authority!”, and I’m like “YEAH! THE USDA!!” Got a lotta horror stories about being fucked with just for shopping in Anniston. We don’t do it unless we absolutely HAVE TO! You shouldn’t, either.

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11. We’ll steal, if we can get away with it. I took these gloves from my sister’s hospital room, because I could. My mom did, too. She also stole shrimp from Red Lobster’s shrimp fest. Put ’em right in her purse for later. But since what we are stealing isn’t technically illegal, who gives a shit? We’ll steal illegal shit, too… YES, my nails went right through those things.

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12. We’ve acquired a taste for life’s lemons, because lemons are all we have. Bad things happen. Good things don’t. Nothing we do to change it ever works. So we just accept things the way they are. Everyone else has. Pool breaks? Lily pads. We’ll never fix it, so we’ll just have to fix it up, and then regret what we’ve become.

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13. We don’t own wallets. Money comes so damn infrequently, we use ziplock bags, instead.

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14. We don’t run this house. We’re just hostages. To wasps, frogs, snakes, opossums, rats, centipedes, beetles, roaches, earwigs, ants, Jehovah’s Witnesses, our next door neighbor Carol, stray cats, stray dogs, stray bullets, and people who occasionally want to rob us.

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15. Hygiene’s for suckers. I’ll never find anybody. And unless “Mama June” from Honey Boo Boo appeals to you for some scary-ass reason, you’d give up, too.

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16. In my house, we just hang frames. *shrug*

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17. Whatever works.

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18. We DO worry. A LOT! Whoever keeps saying that worrying doesn’t help wouldn’t last 10 seconds in our town. They all want you gone, but will never let you leave. Scams and sabotage lurk around every corner, and nobody will help you, even when they’re paid to. My mom had $900 saved just to survive off of until she could collect social security. She lost it. NEVER, EVER mention anything about anything in this place, even when nobody’s around, or you’ll get jinxed, trust me.

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19. The cat does as he pleases. VIOLENTLY. Here, he took the slipper right off of my foot just because. Furbitch.

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20. Laziness is close to Godliness.

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21. We’re pretty sure the Civil War isn’t over yet. We can find that out every time we look outside our windows. It’s either that, or they are really hardcore Brad Paisley fans. This is why one of the nicknames for this town is “Mayscary”…

<> on December 16, 2009 in Washington, DC.

22. We worship Bernie Sanders and Vermont the way that everyone else here worships Jesus and the Alabama football team. Why? Because it’s the closest thing that is the exact opposite of everything we know and fear. We call oatmeal and coffee the “Bernie Special”. So if we ever accidentally somehow wind up in Vermont, and I ask for a “Bernie Special”, don’t look at me like I’m stupid just because I had accidentally somehow wound up in Alabama for 16 years and forgot how to do math because I never use it… What are we talking about, again?

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23. We try to eat our cheaply-made food as fast as we can, before our house kills it first. Ever bought onions with a creamy center, before?

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24. We know our house hates us. Fires. Electric shocks. Onion-scented bathwater. Explosions. Fumes. Spiders. Bad food. Plan on it. Paranoia has saved my life a few times! YES, those are Chinese steam buns from Dynasty Warriors!

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25. We hate our yard. It’s made up of stuff that nobody else’s yard around here is made of. And it grows twice as fast, and is twice as mean. It kills a lawnmower a year, and we can’t let it go, or we’ll get arrested. This is why we call it “Hell’s Salad”.

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26. Vacations: we can afford to look, but we’ll never be able to afford to touch. We went to Nashville only to avoid what was supposed to be a killer storm, and had to leave the next morning. No playing for us. 😥

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27. We believe in our right to bear arms. From 1560. I don’t like guns, and I sure as hell can’t afford them. Sure enough, I walked outside to check my mail, and heard somebody far away yelling “HALE NAW! DAT NIG GAWTZ SAWDZ IN HIS HOWSE!!” Robbery: Averted. I told you: bad things lurk around every corner.

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28. We don’t vote. When you’re a liberal, and “Republicans vs. Vacant” is all there is, then what’s the point? That, and voter fraud. Read somewhere that “Lightning has more chance of striking than voter fraud”, but I’ll tell you: I’ve been struck by lightning 0 out of a hundred times, yet had some form of voter fraud committed against me 3 out of 3 times. Welcome to Anniston.

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29. We don’t like to forget to wash our hands after handling peppers. Used the bathroom one time, and gave my pilliewhacker all the effects of gonorrhea, but with none the fun part that usually comes first. Also, Winn-Dixie always stocks these peppers, yet never remembers what kind they are. EVER!

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30. We don’t like Dr. Phil. My family is so damn dysfunctional, my mom tried to ask him for help once. He didn’t do it. But, I mean, my brother was like “I WANNA PUMMEL MY MOM’S FACE INTO THE GROUND! WHY WON’T SHE LOVE ME? WHY IS SHE STILL ALIVE??” …last Christmas. WHO IN THE HELL WOULD PASS THAT UP? …Dr. Phil, THAT’S who. FUCK Dr. Phil!

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…and you know what? PLENTY MORE where that came from. I could go on FOREVER! We don’t like to answer our phone. We don’t like to eat out in restaurants. We don’t like to have conversations with people. We don’t go on dates. We don’t rent movies (almost got killed by a mass murderer at a Blockbuster, back in 2002). We don’t like to answer our door (we even cry about it)… We used to be so damn different. THE OPPOSITE of how we are now! THIS PLACE HAS REALLY SCREWED US UP!

Moments Like These…

Well, BASICALLY:

…well, in a nutshell, if you want to see what its like at my house, watch what happens after my dogs (who have since ran away) knocked over my mom’s, uh, “Christmas tree” (which was actually a pine branch she hacked off of a tree from across our street, probably with a hammer and butcher’s knife, and put it in a large vase full of sink water…), just because they hated the UPS guy.

Now, the video is not the best (as my mom does NOT like being directly filmed, just like Bigfoot, so I had to hide it), but the AUDIO is GOLD!!

This was the point around 2009 or 2010 that, despite our problems and whatnot, I realized that my life can still be quite entertaining (to me, anyway, which is all that matters).

The only real regret is that I wished I had gotten the WHOLE THING FROM THE START; this part, here is after my mom had already calmed down

She’s on my toilet, with the door open, swearing about my boston terrier/pug, Meatee…

There’s a little rule about my house, or even my town: “ALWAYS. BRING. YOUR. CAMERA!”

Quotes of the Day

“Brains and morals are what that n*gger lacks.”-Me, about my cat Jihad.

“Herpes mouth bitch! NO! SHE HAD A HERPES MOUTH!!”-Mom, about a rude FedEx lady who wildly rang our useless doorbell.

“NO! YOU ARE HIGH AND YOU ARE STUPID!!”-Me, to my cat.

“Colly fuck! Colly-cock fuck it! End the project. END THE PROJECT RIGHT NOW! I’M GETTING TIRED OF IT!!”-Mom, while trying to paint her stolen couch with shoe polish.

“Colly fuck it, you n*gger!”-Mom, to the cat… He sucks.

“Throw that pussy on there.”-Mom, about covering up the couch that she shoe polished…

“No? THEN WHY DON’T YOU GO EAT YOUR FLOSS, YOU WHORE!!”-Me, to the cat, because he wouldn’t eat his cheese.

Me: “I say we just go ahead and sell ALL of her shoes! Oh, what? What’s she gonna say? ‘B-but…’ ‘But’? ‘BUT’?! NO ‘BUT’! ‘BUT’ MY ASS, N*GGA!!”

Mom: “Butt fucker!!”

“The Lord helps those who help themselves to the ‘all you can eat’ buffet table and other people’s belongings.”-Me

“Alabama: where rocks are worth more than telescopes.”-Me, after an estate salesman said that nobody in this state goes for telescopes, but he could sell each large rock in our yard for $4.00 a pop…

“WOW, I almost broke my BITCH! CALM DOWN, ASS!!”-Mom, just a few seconds ago.

“YES, my bathroom is fucked up, but am I ’embarrassed’ by it? Shit, I’m embarrassed of my whole town. I’m embarrassed of my whole state! My COUNTRY, even. I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S CRACK ABOUT MY BATHROOM! IT’S THE LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS!!”-Me, to my mom, about nonexistent guests being embarrassed about the bathroom with the hole in the floor, with all the beetles, and snakes, and whatnot…

fuck the nonexistent guests!

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P.S: Oh yeah, forgot one: “…n*gger got a turd up his ass, and he still finds it on my FLOOR!”-Mom…about our cat. Yeah…we have Tourettes a little…

“Stupid Conversations”

Y’know, probably because we have no life, we have some of the most stupid conversations at my house that you’ve ever heard anywhere. Before you read these, though, know that they are semi-offensive conversations with the politically correct filters turned off, because they occurred in a household, and not in public, so…yeah.

Me: “Ah, good ol’ sexual harassment…”

Mom: “Yeah, I would know about it. I used to teach a class on it.”

Me: “Y’know what’s so great about sexual harassment? It’s only sexual harassment if you don’t like it.”

Mom: “Huh?”

Me: “Y’know, like, if Denzel Washington slapped you on the ass and said you looked so damn good, he wanted to sop you up with a biscuit, you’d crap hearts and sneeze rainbows. But if, say, Danny DeVito said that he wanted you to sit on his lap like you’re a kid at the mall during Christmas time, THEN you’ll feel violated. Denzel = feel good moment. Danny = Law suit. Take George Clooney, for instance. If Kate Upton sniffed him on that stage that one day, would he have gotten pissed off?”

Mom: “…”

Me: “FUCK no. He would’ve felt special. But it WASN’T Kate Upton who sniffed him, it was that horse-faced Sarah Jessica Parker! AND GEORGE WAS SO OFFENDED, he DEMANDED an apology from not only Sarah, but from Mr. Ed fans EVERYWHERE! THAT’S RIGHT!! …ah, sexual harassment is just a magical thing in life. Just like jury duty…”

Mom: “…yeah.”

OR

Me: “I don’t like special needs children.”

Mom: “…heh!”

Me: “They’re not nice like they show on TV. Those suckers bite. Remember when Michelle (my sister) worked at Learning Tree?”

Mom: “Yeah.”

Me: “They bit her. One of ’em even pulled one of her coworker’s BRAIDS out! A WHOLE DAMN BRAID!!”

Mom: “Is THAT right?”

Me: “YEP! AND YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HIT ‘EM BACK! THEY CAN BITE YOU AND PULL YOUR HAIR OUT AND WRESTLE YOU DOWN WITH THEIR ORANGUTAN-ESQUE SUPERPOWERS, BUT YOU’LL GET FIRED IF YOU PROTECT YOURSELF! WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST ‘ANGELS’! Well, I TELL YOU WHAT: if an angel ever bit ME, I’d belt them RIGHT IN THEIR MOUTH!!”

Mom: “YEAH! THEM AND THEIR MAMA!!”

Me: “Well, no…because I think God’s their mama, and we already have ENOUGH problems…”

OR

Mom: “THEY TOOK IT!”

Me: “Huh?”

Mom: “THE MEN TOOK IT! IT WAS HERE, AND NOW IT’S GONE!”

Me: “…men?”

Mom: “THE LITTLE MEN FROM TIME, WHO WEAR SUPER MARIO SUITS AND MOVE SHIT WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING! THEY TOOK IT!!”

Me: “…uh…”

Mom: “I did NOT lose it! I DIDN’T THROW IT AWAY! I WOULD REMEMBER THAT FUCKER IF I DID IT! IT WAS THOSE MEN! THE MEN TOOK IT!!”

Me: “…y’know, mom: if you don’t want people to think you’re senile, you might wanna NOT keep saying that.”

Mom: “THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS KEEP FUCKIN’ ON MY BITCH!!”

…this is why they say that we need jobs.