Some of the weird shit that we do in our house that you’d just have to accept if you ever visited:
1. My mom puts the coaster ON her drink, instead of UNDER it like normal people.
2. It takes TWO people to check the mail. We don’t like going outside around here in the first place, and if somebody else is outside, well…we just don’t go out at all.
3. We lock the door for the night at 3:00 in the afternoon… Usually, anything worth doing in life would already have been done by 11am, and anything after that can go fuck itself until tomorrow.
4. We dress appropriately…for Anniston. Listen, we dress like hobos. I wear a housecoat, jeans with holes, slippers that I use to dust my house with, and I never comb my hair (or wear socks or underwear, for that matter). My mom dresses like a P.O.W. “Y’see, that’s why you guys don’t get jobs!” No. It isn’t that we were too eccentric for Alabama, and so that’s why they don’t respect us. It’s the other way around: Alabama NEVER gives a fuck about how nice we are to them, and so NOW we just don’t give a fuck about being respectable. That’s why we don’t need to dress to impress, and why there’s no such thing as dressing for success, when everyone here thinks we’re just a bunch of “half-breed German illegals tryin’ to take all our good jobs.”
5. Fitting in doesn’t work, so we don’t try to. EVER! My sister really, REALLY tried to be as country as she could, just so they’d just leave her alone long enough to feel American (by Anniston’s standards…if you’re confused, we ARE Americans, just not to most people here in Alabama, being “liberal, heathen, yankee brown people”). It didn’t work. You see, we each had two working philosophies; the “positive” kind, and the “negative”. My sister believed that if you just work hard and try to fit in, it’ll all work out, eventually… My mom and I had a different take: they’ll never let us work hard OR fit in, and it’ll NEVER work out, EVER (so stop trying). Not only did all of us end up losing big time, but my sister actually got fucked with WORSE! She’s in Michigan, now. And Natural Ice tastes like pee. AND I WOULD KNOW, trust me!
6. We make deposits, and not withdrawals. By this, we mean, we take our garbage to the bank’s dumpster. We don’t have a garbage service.
7. We make a difference in our community. My mom put too many broken TV’s, burned-out computers, and stolen wheelchairs from Walmart across our street. Now, ours is the only neighborhood around here that has a threatening sign in it. We still litter, anyway. Nobody around here has $500! …stupid-ass government.
8. We avoid the hospital. Around here, the hospitals are what make you sicker than the illness you went there to cure. My sister found this out the hard way. In this pic, brown recluse spiders had their way with her, but it was Anniston’s stupid doctors that made the lasting impression on her that probably would’ve been “sue-able” anywhere else but here in Anniston, where rights only belong to people who can afford them, which is damn near nobody. My sister was only happy in this picture because the drugs hadn’t worn off yet.
9. We never use our right front burner. It does whatever it wants… We have it on medium low, right now… That’s why we call it “rogue burner”.
10. We try not to shop. Can’t afford to, anyway, but even still… My mom walked into this store, and walked RIGHT BACK OUT, and SHE’S A CATHOLIC! “I couldn’t take that fuckin’ MUSIC! …OR the SMELL!” Yeah… They’re like “We answer to a HIGHER authority!”, and I’m like “YEAH! THE USDA!!” Got a lotta horror stories about being fucked with just for shopping in Anniston. We don’t do it unless we absolutely HAVE TO! You shouldn’t, either.
11. We’ll steal, if we can get away with it. I took these gloves from my sister’s hospital room, because I could. My mom did, too. She also stole shrimp from Red Lobster’s shrimp fest. Put ’em right in her purse for later. But since what we are stealing isn’t technically illegal, who gives a shit? We’ll steal illegal shit, too… YES, my nails went right through those things.
12. We’ve acquired a taste for life’s lemons, because lemons are all we have. Bad things happen. Good things don’t. Nothing we do to change it ever works. So we just accept things the way they are. Everyone else has. Pool breaks? Lily pads. We’ll never fix it, so we’ll just have to fix it up, and then regret what we’ve become.
13. We don’t own wallets. Money comes so damn infrequently, we use ziplock bags, instead.
14. We don’t run this house. We’re just hostages. To wasps, frogs, snakes, opossums, rats, centipedes, beetles, roaches, earwigs, ants, Jehovah’s Witnesses, our next door neighbor Carol, stray cats, stray dogs, stray bullets, and people who occasionally want to rob us.
15. Hygiene’s for suckers. I’ll never find anybody. And unless “Mama June” from Honey Boo Boo appeals to you for some scary-ass reason, you’d give up, too.
16. In my house, we just hang frames. *shrug*
17. Whatever works.
18. We DO worry. A LOT! Whoever keeps saying that worrying doesn’t help wouldn’t last 10 seconds in our town. They all want you gone, but will never let you leave. Scams and sabotage lurk around every corner, and nobody will help you, even when they’re paid to. My mom had $900 saved just to survive off of until she could collect social security. She lost it. NEVER, EVER mention anything about anything in this place, even when nobody’s around, or you’ll get jinxed, trust me.
19. The cat does as he pleases. VIOLENTLY. Here, he took the slipper right off of my foot just because. Furbitch.
20. Laziness is close to Godliness.
21. We’re pretty sure the Civil War isn’t over yet. We can find that out every time we look outside our windows. It’s either that, or they are really hardcore Brad Paisley fans. This is why one of the nicknames for this town is “Mayscary”…
22. We worship Bernie Sanders and Vermont the way that everyone else here worships Jesus and the Alabama football team. Why? Because it’s the closest thing that is the exact opposite of everything we know and fear. We call oatmeal and coffee the “Bernie Special”. So if we ever accidentally somehow wind up in Vermont, and I ask for a “Bernie Special”, don’t look at me like I’m stupid just because I had accidentally somehow wound up in Alabama for 16 years and forgot how to do math because I never use it… What are we talking about, again?
23. We try to eat our cheaply-made food as fast as we can, before our house kills it first. Ever bought onions with a creamy center, before?
24. We know our house hates us. Fires. Electric shocks. Onion-scented bathwater. Explosions. Fumes. Spiders. Bad food. Plan on it. Paranoia has saved my life a few times! YES, those are Chinese steam buns from Dynasty Warriors!
25. We hate our yard. It’s made up of stuff that nobody else’s yard around here is made of. And it grows twice as fast, and is twice as mean. It kills a lawnmower a year, and we can’t let it go, or we’ll get arrested. This is why we call it “Hell’s Salad”.
26. Vacations: we can afford to look, but we’ll never be able to afford to touch. We went to Nashville only to avoid what was supposed to be a killer storm, and had to leave the next morning. No playing for us. 😥
27. We believe in our right to bear arms. From 1560. I don’t like guns, and I sure as hell can’t afford them. Sure enough, I walked outside to check my mail, and heard somebody far away yelling “HALE NAW! DAT NIG GAWTZ SAWDZ IN HIS HOWSE!!” Robbery: Averted. I told you: bad things lurk around every corner.
28. We don’t vote. When you’re a liberal, and “Republicans vs. Vacant” is all there is, then what’s the point? That, and voter fraud. Read somewhere that “Lightning has more chance of striking than voter fraud”, but I’ll tell you: I’ve been struck by lightning 0 out of a hundred times, yet had some form of voter fraud committed against me 3 out of 3 times. Welcome to Anniston.
29. We don’t like to forget to wash our hands after handling peppers. Used the bathroom one time, and gave my pilliewhacker all the effects of gonorrhea, but with none the fun part that usually comes first. Also, Winn-Dixie always stocks these peppers, yet never remembers what kind they are. EVER!
30. We don’t like Dr. Phil. My family is so damn dysfunctional, my mom tried to ask him for help once. He didn’t do it. But, I mean, my brother was like “I WANNA PUMMEL MY MOM’S FACE INTO THE GROUND! WHY WON’T SHE LOVE ME? WHY IS SHE STILL ALIVE??” …last Christmas. WHO IN THE HELL WOULD PASS THAT UP? …Dr. Phil, THAT’S who. FUCK Dr. Phil!
…and you know what? PLENTY MORE where that came from. I could go on FOREVER! We don’t like to answer our phone. We don’t like to eat out in restaurants. We don’t like to have conversations with people. We don’t go on dates. We don’t rent movies (almost got killed by a mass murderer at a Blockbuster, back in 2002). We don’t like to answer our door (we even cry about it)… We used to be so damn different. THE OPPOSITE of how we are now! THIS PLACE HAS REALLY SCREWED US UP!